just trying to work through and let go

I am damaged. For real. But I keep it nice and hidden and just try to forget some shit even happened, because it seems so small and insiginificant. You know what, maybe fucking not.

I had a real shit pile of a boyfriend for about a year and a half - which was really a year and a half too long, and I knew it. But he was so cute, and so this and so that and I dealt with it. From the get go he told me I was not attractive. Me being young and naive, I believed if he just got to know me, his opinions would surely change. He would see that the slim, model types weren't all that was sexy in the world and I could show him otherwise. Little did I know that I would no longer, really ever, feel confident trying to be sexy. He shot me down sexaully so much. SO MUCH. I wanted him so much and I would do whatever because I was a thirsty girl, with a boyfriend who didn't really like fucking her.

One day, this person, who gives me no affection and tender loving care, is caught using my school computer to look up porn. He's always telling me that he just doesn't have the drive, but he does. He can watch whatever dick sucking, fake boobie girl and get it up no problem. I accuse him of not loving me. I accuse him of lying immediately. Here comes my jealous twin head that lives under the surface an only rears up to look incredibly rediculous.

We didn't last much longer after that, and I thought that stupid shit was just stupid shit. My first bf watched porn too - and it was chubby girl porn - and still felt jealous. By rights, I think it should have been better that the girls looked like me, but then it just led to my terrible twin jealousy thinking about how easy it would be for him to snag all the chubby poon he wanted because girls like me were "desperate" or whatever. (all of this is very generalized thinking of my youth - I mean no disrespect - regarding the shapes of womens bodies, etc. but it's all part of my pain, so thanks for bearing with me).

Either way - I guess pornography is not really a comfort zone for me. I worked hard for a long time to accept my denial. I watched it from time to time - it helps sometimes. I realized a long time ago before I married my husband that he does too. And when I discovered that, I was shitty about it, and probed into his private places to dig up whatever I could. It was terrible, but I learned how not to be a shitty person.

And then I just decided I would just join in on the myster of whether or not we were watching porn. TBH, I've pretty much stopped. I like my computer - I need it for school. I like my phone - it's the nicest one I've ever owned. I don't need to be looking up porno and damaging my shit. I don't need to invite viruses etc. I have a good memory, some good times have happened, I'm alright in the spank bank dept. And not to brag, but our sex life is pretty healthy considering how long we've been together.

All this to say, the other morning, I got up to pee. Waved at him threw the crack in the door to the office and went back to bed. After about 10-15 mins I decided I was up but I would just grab my phone and get excited because the bestie was arriving that afternoon, and it would be a nice way to settle into my Saturday. Betchya can guess what happens next... I go to say good morning, and I see legs and a blur of boobs and I know what's happening. His eyes got so big as I was walking in, it was almost comical. If it wasn't so damaging. I didn't cry... immediately. And he did the good dude thing and apologized and came to talk with me and was a good man.

We talked for a while about all kinds of things. The state of things and what not. About to go have breakfast. I just got out of the shower and there I am feeling uncomfortable in my own closet because I feel so disgusting. Not because of what he did, but because of who I'm not. I let him know and I let it out. I tried to get the last of it all out at once. I ugly cried and all that. Hours later, I promised myself I wouldn't say anything to the bestie. She's on vacation and doesn't get out much. JK! she gets it as soon as she's in the car, but it was ok. In fact it was great. She helped me feel ok about forgetting about it until she left.

As soon as she left, the questions began. How often is this happening? Is that why he bought a giant fucking curved monitor for his office? so he can have a skinny fake womans vagina the size of his face, surrounding his face? Is that why he buys visually advanced? Why was it full screen - does it really have to be?

These are all combated by questions of some opposite "logic" side of my brain asking is he 14? does he deserve to be shamed for something natural? something you participated in yourself only until recently because of you own devices? I also remind myself that not only is he a grown man, he has a life threatening illness that is progressing slowly - thankfully - but still progressing. He needs to enjoy these things while he can, and who am I to deny him!? He's not actually fucking another woman - I trust him and know that. But do I trust if he was busy last night or not during his work shift? I don't know anymore - maybe you were rubbing your dick the whole time. Maybe you were imagining how great it would be to have a tiny woman rubbing her shit in your face. It's not like you've ever asked me to do that. Maybe I would. Maybe... I dunno. My confidence is horrible. That was a severe blow to it and it's already kinda weak. That whole Saturday before the bestie arrived, I cried and cried. I was quiet about it - I didn't want him to think I was still thinking about it, but I was. I also got really drunk and snuggly with him at a party later, and I think I just wanted him to know I loved him, but maybe it sent a mixed signal because I didn't feel like that the next day. He asked me how I was feeling and I said, Physically? Fine. And he said ok, well not physically then. And I said, I'm not sure. It still hurts and I just have to work through it I guess. And took off. I had to entertain my friend - and again, it was a good outlet for me to forget about things for a little while. But again, now that she's gone, the questions come. The supression from the weekend is catching up. It's ok. I'm still dealing with it - like blogging about it - right?! I walk in and there's flowers on the table. I know what they're for. He's been a lot less lazy around the house lately - I called him out on his complacency in all our talking and I think he took it to heart. So that's also good. I tell him Thank you for the flowers. He asks how I'm doing and then I let all the last little bits of shit that have been festering and tell him it's complicated for me. I let him know that I think about all the things that I feel. And I think about all the things he said about it when we talked - which those details I've left private because they are not mine, but safe to say - I shouldn't feel bad about when he does it. I think what really bothered me was the fact that he referred to it as a time killer - really?! Really dude. really. So I mentioned it. I also mentioned the giant curved screen pussy haunting me, but also that i combat that thinking with the fact that he's not a 14yo and I'm not his mother. But I am his wife. I feel weird about being in competition with a screen. I feel weird about the energy spent looking at women who are not me. I feel like i'm not worthy of trying to be sexy because I don't look like them. I have totally lost weight, and I still feel like shit about myself. I'm staying on my diet, but still. Jesus. I can't win. Women everywhere are more attractive. It drives my jealousy wild all the damn time. This is why I just keep it forgotten and hidden. This is why I focus on school or work or whatever. This is how I'm not a raging bitch and yet somehow seem to have confidence. People tell me they wish they were confident like me all the time. I don't feel confident. I feel like I just figured out my place and how to play my part so I can participate in society without everyone treating me like I'm some fucking slob. Now that my insecurities have surfaced - along with my crazy raging jealousy twin alter ego - I'm having a hard time getting my shit back in check. I'm able to focus on shit I need to - for the most part. But when I forget to do something, or take a break from it - the moment pops in my head. It comes in and I can't stop it - it happened and my brain is remembering it. With it comes all the feels. With all the feels come the tears - sometimes - sometimes rage - whatever it is, it's not great. I just keep trying to move on - I don't know how to deal with it all. I told him the last bits this afternoon. He didn't really combat me on anything because I'm not really upset with him, I'm just hurt because of my dumb brain. I did take a minute to feel better and then I hugged him for the first time since that party. I don't know if I'm ready for snuggle time and thinking of sex just makes me cry. I keep thinking I'm not what he wants to see. Now who he wants to have. I know that's just not true. But I can't bring myself to want to snuggle him in bed yet. We had just gone on a great trip and everything. We have been really lovey and sweet and goofy lately. Until that morning. It should be back to normal by now, but I'm still struggling. I'm giving myself a week. If I'm not over it significantly by then, I'm going to a shrink.